Sorry it's been so long you guys. I have had a rough couple of weeks but I am still pushing along. I had a little break down ealier this week because I feel so much pressure from everyone; but mostly from myself I guess. I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself but it has really been bogging me down. I am always so hard on myself and always trying to please everyone around me, but I am no longer going to allow this for myself! I know that the road ahead of me is going to be rough, but I know that God is beside me and this is exactly the path he has made for me.
Today I really sought God out for strength to keep pushing forward. I am so scared of what this road of full, actually, recovery looks like. I am scared to let Julie {my therapist} in, she says that she isn't going to walk away like others have, but why wouldn't she walk away? So many others who were supposed to be close walked away, what will make her different. I worry though if I don't let her in, will I ever get better? I don't think I will, and I can not live like this anymore. So, I guess that leaves me no choice I have to trust that God brought me here, with Julie for a specific reason. All things work together for those who trust in the Lord {Romans 8:28} and I believe that is is no different! I have to trust that Julie will help me through this, and I have to let her in, in order to allow her help. Please pray for me in order to open myself up fully to Julie, into all the areas, into all the dark secrets of my life, and to not feel ashamed or embarrassed about the things that I have gone through. Please pray that I can learn to except that the things I have undergone are not my fault, and that I do not need to punish myself any longer. Thanks <3
Friday, March 9, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Days 17, 18, 19, & 20...
Wow I really suck about blogging everyday. It's been hard this week because I've been battling the flu off and on. Today I have been feeling much better than yesterday. Although today was rough for me because yesterday with being sick I was throwing up a lot and I missed 1500+ calories, so today it was hard for me to get back on track but I did it. They increased my calories Thursday and I've really been having a rough time getting it together. Apparently my weight hasn't been doing much and they are saying it's still from the malobsorbtion. I guess we'll see how this week goes. I am really excited because I am getting to go home this weekend. I miss seeing everyone so much...I really can't wait! Well I know this is short, but I need to get to sleep. I promise to have a longer blog tomorrow and let you guys in on what I've been working on. Love ya <3
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Days 14, 15 & 16....
Sorry it's taken me so long to write. Well I spent my 21st Birthday in treatment, I can honestly say it's never the place I imagined I would spend it. I really struggled with the idea of being here, and all that I was missing back home; but then I realized that in order to celebrate more birthdays in the future I had to get better first so I could actually enjoy them. I had a lot of emotions going on that day as well. The fact that Mindi wasn't there was really hard for me; however, her mom texted me at 12:01 and said "Mindi told me to tell you Happy Birthday and that she's proud of you." I lost it. I miss her so much but the fact that her mom told me this reassured me that she is up in Heaven looking down on me. Also Monday was pretty emotional for me because of the issue with Carly. After everything that had happened over the weekend we had to process in group everything. First group I started feeling angry when Carly kept defending her actions and I got to the point where I was so angry that I literally thought my blood was boiling. All I could see myself doing was punching her in the face. I ended up popping up out of my chair unsure if I was going to punch her in the mouth when all of a sudden I was pushed towards the door. (This was definitely God!) So I walked out of group crying, and Julie, my therapist followed after me. We went into her office and talked for a few minutes about what I was feeling, and then I composed myself and went back to group.
Then we went to lunch. After lunch we had second group where we needed to finish discussing the issues from the weekend. I just sat back quiet and let everyone else talk because I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth. Finally it got to the point where I had to talk because the biggest problem was between Carly and myself. So I started talking and everytime I would say something she would interject and defend herself. Each time she talked she was getting more and more mean. Finally I just broke and started crying again. She told me that if I was so afraid of her that I needed to stay in my room because she was going to be out in the common area. So finally the leaders stepped in and got her under control but by this time I was overwhelmed and I needed to get out. So I stormed out of group demanding to go home. One of the counselors came out and talked to me and I got myself together once again. I ended up going back into group where I said that I just needed some time and space to myself and that I would finish discussing this in the next group the following day. So we set up boundaries so that I felt safe that night, and I stayed mostly in my room.
After thinking about it overnight the next day I apologized to Carly for the mean text messages I had sent to her, and explained that the reason I sent them to her was because I tried supporting her even after she threw the symptoms I had had at the beginning of treatment in my face, she had been rude to me, she had threatened me, and I had sat and talked to her for 1.5 hours about how I could relate to her because I too had had an addiction at one point; and her response to all of it was that she wasn't sorry and she was mad I had gotten rid of her food. I just lost it, and I realized that I didn't handle it in a positive manner. She accepted my apology and we went on our way. She still has yet to apologize to us, but she said she needed time. I will be interested to see how this goes.
Besides all that drama things have been okay. I had the flu Tuesday and part of today, but overall I was pretty good. It was hard being sick, and being away from home though. It was even harder to be sick and eat. If that had happened and I had been home I know that I would have used that as an excuse to skip meals. I know that I am not cured yet; however, I am feeling so much better than when I first got here. My weight isn't really doing anything however, so they put me on a drink called peptomen (which in case you were wondering is AWFUL!!!) this drink is already broken down so all your body has to do is absorb it. They are concerned that I may be suffering from malabsorbtion which means that because I restricted for so long my body is no longer absorbing the calories. We'll see how this works.
Julie and I started working on some heavy stuff today. I wasn't sure I was ready to go there yet, but I guess if I don't do it now I'll never do it. She wants me to write a sexual abuse timeline and I thought I would be okay with this assignment and run right through it. I guess when she prefaced me by saying how about we only work on it in the mornings that way we have all day to work through things if you start to be affected by it I should have taken the hint this was going to be hard. So I sat down tonight to do it; because I'm a perfectionist who thinks because I am assigned something should complete it right away...well that didn't work out too well. So when I sat down I realized that she actually wanted details.....I freaked. I was like there is no way I can give this lady details she will definitely judge me. Why wouldn't she judge me because I know that I am disgusted and judge myself why wouldn't she. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I emailed her and told her what I was feeling, and this is definitely something that the old Kendra would not have down. I just would not have done it and changed the subject to something else in order to not deal with it. But I WANT TO GET BETTER!!!!!! And as hard as it may be I have to get all this stuff out in order to heal. So I guess here goes nothing!
Then we went to lunch. After lunch we had second group where we needed to finish discussing the issues from the weekend. I just sat back quiet and let everyone else talk because I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth. Finally it got to the point where I had to talk because the biggest problem was between Carly and myself. So I started talking and everytime I would say something she would interject and defend herself. Each time she talked she was getting more and more mean. Finally I just broke and started crying again. She told me that if I was so afraid of her that I needed to stay in my room because she was going to be out in the common area. So finally the leaders stepped in and got her under control but by this time I was overwhelmed and I needed to get out. So I stormed out of group demanding to go home. One of the counselors came out and talked to me and I got myself together once again. I ended up going back into group where I said that I just needed some time and space to myself and that I would finish discussing this in the next group the following day. So we set up boundaries so that I felt safe that night, and I stayed mostly in my room.
After thinking about it overnight the next day I apologized to Carly for the mean text messages I had sent to her, and explained that the reason I sent them to her was because I tried supporting her even after she threw the symptoms I had had at the beginning of treatment in my face, she had been rude to me, she had threatened me, and I had sat and talked to her for 1.5 hours about how I could relate to her because I too had had an addiction at one point; and her response to all of it was that she wasn't sorry and she was mad I had gotten rid of her food. I just lost it, and I realized that I didn't handle it in a positive manner. She accepted my apology and we went on our way. She still has yet to apologize to us, but she said she needed time. I will be interested to see how this goes.
Besides all that drama things have been okay. I had the flu Tuesday and part of today, but overall I was pretty good. It was hard being sick, and being away from home though. It was even harder to be sick and eat. If that had happened and I had been home I know that I would have used that as an excuse to skip meals. I know that I am not cured yet; however, I am feeling so much better than when I first got here. My weight isn't really doing anything however, so they put me on a drink called peptomen (which in case you were wondering is AWFUL!!!) this drink is already broken down so all your body has to do is absorb it. They are concerned that I may be suffering from malabsorbtion which means that because I restricted for so long my body is no longer absorbing the calories. We'll see how this works.
Julie and I started working on some heavy stuff today. I wasn't sure I was ready to go there yet, but I guess if I don't do it now I'll never do it. She wants me to write a sexual abuse timeline and I thought I would be okay with this assignment and run right through it. I guess when she prefaced me by saying how about we only work on it in the mornings that way we have all day to work through things if you start to be affected by it I should have taken the hint this was going to be hard. So I sat down tonight to do it; because I'm a perfectionist who thinks because I am assigned something should complete it right away...well that didn't work out too well. So when I sat down I realized that she actually wanted details.....I freaked. I was like there is no way I can give this lady details she will definitely judge me. Why wouldn't she judge me because I know that I am disgusted and judge myself why wouldn't she. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I emailed her and told her what I was feeling, and this is definitely something that the old Kendra would not have down. I just would not have done it and changed the subject to something else in order to not deal with it. But I WANT TO GET BETTER!!!!!! And as hard as it may be I have to get all this stuff out in order to heal. So I guess here goes nothing!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Day 13
Well today has been an up and down day for me. I got to go out with Tiara and her family, we ended up going to the mall, and ED was definitely screaming the whole time. I don't understand how my body image has gotten so much worse since I came here. I thought that this place was supposed to help me get over that. It's so hard to get up each day and look in the mirror because I'm disgusted with what I see staring back at me. It instantly starts my day off bad. Then when you have people that make comments about you, it just makes everything so much worse.
I am scared of how tomorrow is going to go because of the whole Carly situation. It has gotten to a point where I do not feel safe and secure here anymore. Last night was awful, I only slept like two hours and Katie even had to sleep in my bed with me. She said that I cried through the whole entire night. My nightmares were at an all time high. I just don't like feeling that at any moment some drug dealer will be bringing all his friends here and who knows what will happen. This whole situation has really brough up a lot of feelings and memories from my past and my anxiety has been really bad.
Tonight I really came to understand how much I appreciate everyone that is praying for and supporting me through this recovery process. I have seen how others' family and friends have treated them through all of this, and I have to say I am one lucky girl to have everyone I do. Thank you everyone for being there for me.....I wouldn't be able to make it through this if it weren't for you. If there is anything that I am not talking about in this blog that you would like me to message me or call me and I will do my best to start. Love you all, and can't wait to be back home; Happy & HEALTHY!!! <3
I am scared of how tomorrow is going to go because of the whole Carly situation. It has gotten to a point where I do not feel safe and secure here anymore. Last night was awful, I only slept like two hours and Katie even had to sleep in my bed with me. She said that I cried through the whole entire night. My nightmares were at an all time high. I just don't like feeling that at any moment some drug dealer will be bringing all his friends here and who knows what will happen. This whole situation has really brough up a lot of feelings and memories from my past and my anxiety has been really bad.
Tonight I really came to understand how much I appreciate everyone that is praying for and supporting me through this recovery process. I have seen how others' family and friends have treated them through all of this, and I have to say I am one lucky girl to have everyone I do. Thank you everyone for being there for me.....I wouldn't be able to make it through this if it weren't for you. If there is anything that I am not talking about in this blog that you would like me to message me or call me and I will do my best to start. Love you all, and can't wait to be back home; Happy & HEALTHY!!! <3
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Day 12
Well today was a lot of fun actually. I woke up later than what I wanted but I still made it to lunch on time....good thing for that, we can't possibly miss lunch around this place! just kidding.....But today we had an oppertunity to go to an art class, and I wasn't sure that I actually wanted to go but Tiara forced me too. I am glad I went though because we each got to paint a puzzle piece and after it was done it all fit together to make a picture of the bridge right outside our window. It was actually a lot of fun, and my two pieces didn't turn out that bad. Then we moved Katie into our room because she has been having problems with her room mate Carly (the sex addict).
Since we're on the topic of her tonight it hit an all time low. She ended up sneeking out and meeting up with a guy that she met off craigslist. So we had to deal with all of that. Before she left though she blew up at all of us and made hurtful comments about each and everyone one of us using something personal we've disclosed in group. So of course this made everyone highly upset and everyone started yelling. After she returned back tonight God really kept telling me to go talk to her. "Why does it have to be me" I keep asking him. His answer was because I was the closest person who could understand what she was going through with having an addiction. So finally I went in and talked to her for an hour and a half. I don't know if she even heard anything I was saying but God used me to at least plant the seed....we'll see if it grows.
Then once I came back to my room I realized that I had forgotten my night snack today. The old Kendra would have been happy because that meant I didn't have to eat it but instead I went to one of the girls in my suite and asked for something to supplement in for it. So I didn't miss any calories today. I have had no symptoms for a week now!!!! There are definetly still urges but we have been locking our bathroom all day until 8pm so that we won't be tempted to purge. It's been really hard to keep everything down but the girls are really supporitive and I keep taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow should be a fun day....OHHHH I forgot to tell you I GOT OFF MEDICAL RESTRICTION TODAY!!!!!! So today I got to drive down the street with Tiara and her friends that came to visit today and I know that it doesn't sound like much, but you sure do take for granted the simple things in life. Tomorrow Tiara's family is coming and they invited me to hang out with them, so I am really looking forward to that. Well I need to get to sleep. Nighty night!
Since we're on the topic of her tonight it hit an all time low. She ended up sneeking out and meeting up with a guy that she met off craigslist. So we had to deal with all of that. Before she left though she blew up at all of us and made hurtful comments about each and everyone one of us using something personal we've disclosed in group. So of course this made everyone highly upset and everyone started yelling. After she returned back tonight God really kept telling me to go talk to her. "Why does it have to be me" I keep asking him. His answer was because I was the closest person who could understand what she was going through with having an addiction. So finally I went in and talked to her for an hour and a half. I don't know if she even heard anything I was saying but God used me to at least plant the seed....we'll see if it grows.
Then once I came back to my room I realized that I had forgotten my night snack today. The old Kendra would have been happy because that meant I didn't have to eat it but instead I went to one of the girls in my suite and asked for something to supplement in for it. So I didn't miss any calories today. I have had no symptoms for a week now!!!! There are definetly still urges but we have been locking our bathroom all day until 8pm so that we won't be tempted to purge. It's been really hard to keep everything down but the girls are really supporitive and I keep taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow should be a fun day....OHHHH I forgot to tell you I GOT OFF MEDICAL RESTRICTION TODAY!!!!!! So today I got to drive down the street with Tiara and her friends that came to visit today and I know that it doesn't sound like much, but you sure do take for granted the simple things in life. Tomorrow Tiara's family is coming and they invited me to hang out with them, so I am really looking forward to that. Well I need to get to sleep. Nighty night!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Day 11-Here Comes The Weekend....
Well this is the second weekend I'm here and seeing as how last weekend was not the most successful, I'm trying my hardest to make this one different. I am really starting to get used to being here, although I still really miss everyone back home :-) I am really hoping that I will be off restrictions Monday, as long as my vitals stay normal throughout the weekend. I need to just ride in a car, you don't realize how much you take advantage of that...lol
Today started off pretty rough for me though. Ed was screaming pretty loud this morning and I ended up changing my clothes seven times....I would have kept changing it but I ran out of time. Meals were better today, still struggled a little, but overall I feel like I'm coming around. First group today was check in's; talking about who the week went, and planning our weekend activities. I ended meeting all of my food goals this week, and other than skipping part of my night snack one night, didn't have any symptoms. I even started cutting back on smoking!!! I will beat that habbit too while I'm here too!! Second group today was the media and culture group and we found advertisments out of magazines and identified the product, message, and counter message in each one. It was a huge eye opener for me because we don't realize the affects that advertisments have and what the hidden messages are. It was a really good group.
Once we came upstairs tonight we had a really rough night. One of the girls in our suite has a sex addiction and she was really wanting to give in to the urges tonight. We tried helping her, and she ended up flipping out. It was a really bad night for all of us. She really triggered a lot of us, and we are definetely going to have to address it Monday. I know that I have to be assertive with her because I am not about to risk my recovery on her at all. So I am a little nervous for Monday to come.
Monday is also going to be a hard day for me seeing as how it is my Birthday. I opened up during group today that my birthday is a constant reminder that Mindi isn't here anymore. She was always the one that called me at 11:55 just so she could talk to me for 5 minutes in order to be the first one to tell me Happy Birthday. I'll never forget the birthday that she moved my car in a different location while I was getting ready for the basketball game and filled my car with full of balloons. It was little moments like that, that I really miss. I would give all of my birthday wishes for the rest of my life to have those back. Well I need to get off to bed tomorrow will be here quick. Nighty Night <3
Today started off pretty rough for me though. Ed was screaming pretty loud this morning and I ended up changing my clothes seven times....I would have kept changing it but I ran out of time. Meals were better today, still struggled a little, but overall I feel like I'm coming around. First group today was check in's; talking about who the week went, and planning our weekend activities. I ended meeting all of my food goals this week, and other than skipping part of my night snack one night, didn't have any symptoms. I even started cutting back on smoking!!! I will beat that habbit too while I'm here too!! Second group today was the media and culture group and we found advertisments out of magazines and identified the product, message, and counter message in each one. It was a huge eye opener for me because we don't realize the affects that advertisments have and what the hidden messages are. It was a really good group.
Once we came upstairs tonight we had a really rough night. One of the girls in our suite has a sex addiction and she was really wanting to give in to the urges tonight. We tried helping her, and she ended up flipping out. It was a really bad night for all of us. She really triggered a lot of us, and we are definetely going to have to address it Monday. I know that I have to be assertive with her because I am not about to risk my recovery on her at all. So I am a little nervous for Monday to come.
Monday is also going to be a hard day for me seeing as how it is my Birthday. I opened up during group today that my birthday is a constant reminder that Mindi isn't here anymore. She was always the one that called me at 11:55 just so she could talk to me for 5 minutes in order to be the first one to tell me Happy Birthday. I'll never forget the birthday that she moved my car in a different location while I was getting ready for the basketball game and filled my car with full of balloons. It was little moments like that, that I really miss. I would give all of my birthday wishes for the rest of my life to have those back. Well I need to get off to bed tomorrow will be here quick. Nighty Night <3
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Day Nine & Ten
Sorry I didn't write last night I had a really rough day and wasn't feeling it. It really started hitting me how many calories I was taking in and I didn't want to do it anymore. I also talked to my counselor Julie yesterday and when she was talking she really reminded me of my mom. I decided I didn't like her and I wanted a different counselor. Yesterday was the first day that I got to do yoga and I got really dizzy and had to stop because I was afraid of passing out. I also got to start meal planning yesterday which is a really big deal.
Well today was a much better day to say the least. I woke up feeling kind of low. I missed calories last night because I didn't drink coffee, but I told them at weigh in and they told me to just try better tonight. In todays first group I had to share the time-line of my life, and I was really really nervous because I knew that it meant truly opening up to the group. I was scared of what they would say, and how they would treat me after they learned about who I "really" was. I ended disclosing to them a lot, not everything but it was a really really good first start. I was actually proud of myself. I feel like I am really starting to make some HUGE progress. Then Julie and I had a one on one session and I told her about the way that she made me feel yesterday. She also appologized for making me feel like I couldn't be truthful with her with fear of needing a higher level of care. She said that it's normal to have bad days, and to even have symptoms and that it will not mean I can't stay here. I just have to be honest if I struggle, and that made me feel a lot better.
Today was the first day that I got to meal plan and it was actually harder than I thought. Even though I got to pick everything I ate today I actually chose challenging foods and they were hard for me to get down. I guess that's a good thing because I learned that I COULD keep them down, and that was a huge realization for me. I did however get put on medicsal restrictions because my palse rate increased 25 beats per minute when I stood up. They said that this should be fixed here in the next couple of days, so now I have to drink and 8 oz glass of gatoraide. Hopefully this fixes the problem. Well I need to get to bed, tomorrow will be here before I know it. Miss you guys so much <3
Well today was a much better day to say the least. I woke up feeling kind of low. I missed calories last night because I didn't drink coffee, but I told them at weigh in and they told me to just try better tonight. In todays first group I had to share the time-line of my life, and I was really really nervous because I knew that it meant truly opening up to the group. I was scared of what they would say, and how they would treat me after they learned about who I "really" was. I ended disclosing to them a lot, not everything but it was a really really good first start. I was actually proud of myself. I feel like I am really starting to make some HUGE progress. Then Julie and I had a one on one session and I told her about the way that she made me feel yesterday. She also appologized for making me feel like I couldn't be truthful with her with fear of needing a higher level of care. She said that it's normal to have bad days, and to even have symptoms and that it will not mean I can't stay here. I just have to be honest if I struggle, and that made me feel a lot better.
Today was the first day that I got to meal plan and it was actually harder than I thought. Even though I got to pick everything I ate today I actually chose challenging foods and they were hard for me to get down. I guess that's a good thing because I learned that I COULD keep them down, and that was a huge realization for me. I did however get put on medicsal restrictions because my palse rate increased 25 beats per minute when I stood up. They said that this should be fixed here in the next couple of days, so now I have to drink and 8 oz glass of gatoraide. Hopefully this fixes the problem. Well I need to get to bed, tomorrow will be here before I know it. Miss you guys so much <3
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