I AM worth it!

Today I really had to ask myself why choose recovery? I look back at 

where I have been and wonder is all the hard work, pain, 

sweat, and tears all worth it? Yes, yes it is worth it!

Satan has really been attacking me the last few weeks, and I'm beginning

to get really beat down from it all. I really struggle with asking others

for help, even when I know I need to. 

I see the red flags coming back out here and there, and it scares me.

I don't want to ruin, and let go of all the hard work I've put into

this process. I lost track of why I chose recovery.

And that is because I AM worth it! I am worth all the hard work I have

put into this. I AM worth the house, and dollars I have sacrificed

for treatment. And I AM worth recovery!

I am taking back my recovery from Satan, he will no longer be the driver

of this process because he only knows how to drive it into 

the ground, and I will NOT allow that to happen, again.

I will lean on Jesus in order to give me the strength to make it through,

And I will allow others to help me get through the hard days.

And most importantly I will do it for me!

This song has been one that I have been clinging to the last few days.

It helps me make it through the rough moments, and it reminds

me to lean on God, and not ED-and that's what I will do. <3

                                           

Learning To Let Go.....

    
        Man it has been quite some time since I've written on here; but I felt like it was time for me to start back on journaling my recovery journey. A lot has happened since I've last written and it would take me all night to go through it all-lets just say God opened some unexpected doors, and closed others. I've learned that EVERYTHING happens in God's timing.

            "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven-for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves litte." Luke 7:47

               Tonight I found this verse and it really gave me the hope and strength I needed. I am really working on learning to let go, not only let go; but more importantly Let God! Althought it is not always easy I am learning that I am not in control of the things around me, and the more that I try and control them the worse off things become. This is a HUGE step for me because my whole life I have tried to gain control over everything; grades, friends, family, weight, ect. only to find that I am the one who gets hurt in the end. I become disappointed, defeated, and destructive. I then feel the need to punish myself because I feel worthless and hopeless, and so begins the vicious cycle again and again. The hardest part in all of this is learning to let my past go.

               Each day I am reminded that my past does not make me who I am today. I have been forgiven and my past has been washed away. It sounds all well and good; but, accepting this is another story. I have held on to so much guilt and shame over the years, and it is hard for me to look past that. I feel like
the guilt and shame is who Kendra is. I am learning slowly, but surely, that I am not guilt and shame; but rather grace and mercy. I may have made mistakes, but who hasn't? I may have made poor choices, but who hasn't? What it really comes down to is the choices I am making each and everyday day. We are not garenteed another day here on Earth, so why stress over what's already been done, and lose the moments that we do have.

God please give me the strength to make it through another day clean, sober, and symptom free. Remind me when I am struggling that my past HAS been washed away and you have made me a new creation. Guide my each and every movement, and allow me to show others, you by my actions and words. I pray that I am Christ like. Thank you for allowing me to learn the lesson of letting go. Thank you for all the blessing that you give me each and everyday. And thank you for loving me who I am now, and who I was then.

Sorry It's Been So Long!!!!

    Sorry it's been so long you guys. I have had a rough couple of weeks but I am still pushing along. I had a little break down ealier this week because I feel so much pressure from everyone; but mostly from myself I guess. I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself but it has really been bogging me down. I am always so hard on myself and always trying to please everyone around me, but I am no longer going to allow this for myself! I know that the road ahead of me is going to be rough, but I know that God is beside me and this is exactly the path he has made for me.

     Today I really sought God out for strength to keep pushing forward. I am so scared of what this road of full, actually, recovery looks like. I am scared to let Julie {my therapist} in, she says that she isn't going to walk away like others have, but why wouldn't she walk away? So many others who were supposed to be close walked away, what will make her different. I worry though if I don't let her in, will I ever get better? I don't think I will, and I can not live like this anymore. So, I guess that leaves me no choice I have to trust that God brought me here, with Julie for a specific reason. All things work together for those who trust in the Lord {Romans 8:28} and I believe that is is no different! I have to trust that Julie will help me through this, and I have to let her in, in order to allow her help. Please pray for me in order to open myself up fully to Julie, into all the areas, into all the dark secrets of my life, and to not feel ashamed or embarrassed about the things that I have gone through. Please pray that I can learn to except that the things I have undergone are not my fault, and that I do not need to punish myself any longer. Thanks <3

Days 17, 18, 19, & 20...

Wow I really suck about blogging everyday. It's been hard this week because I've been battling the flu off and on. Today I have been feeling much better than yesterday. Although today was rough for me because yesterday with being sick I was throwing up a lot and I missed 1500+ calories, so today it was hard for me to get back on track but I did it. They increased my calories Thursday and I've really been having a rough time getting it together. Apparently my weight hasn't been doing much and they are saying it's still from the malobsorbtion. I guess we'll see how this week goes. I am really excited because I am getting to go home this weekend. I miss seeing everyone so much...I really can't wait! Well I know this is short, but I need to get to sleep. I promise to have a longer blog tomorrow and let you guys in on what I've been working on. Love ya <3

Days 14, 15 & 16....

Sorry it's taken me so long to write. Well I spent my 21st Birthday in treatment, I can honestly say it's never the place I imagined I would spend it. I really struggled with the idea of being here, and all that I was missing back home; but then I realized that in order to celebrate more birthdays in the future I had to get better first so I could actually enjoy them. I had a lot of emotions going on that day as well. The fact that Mindi wasn't there was really hard for me; however, her mom texted me at 12:01 and said "Mindi told me to tell you Happy Birthday and that she's proud of you." I lost it. I miss her so much but the fact that her mom told me this reassured me that she is up in Heaven looking down on me. Also Monday was pretty emotional for me because of the issue with Carly. After everything that had happened over the weekend we had to process in group everything. First group I started feeling angry when Carly kept defending her actions and I got to the point where I was so angry that I literally thought my blood was boiling. All I could see myself doing was punching her in the face. I ended up popping up out of my chair unsure if I was going to punch her in the mouth when all of a sudden I was pushed towards the door. (This was definitely God!) So I walked out of group crying, and Julie, my therapist followed after me. We went into her office and talked for a few minutes about what I was feeling, and then I composed myself and went back to group.

    Then we went to lunch. After lunch we had second group where we needed to finish discussing the issues from the weekend. I just sat back quiet and let everyone else talk because I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth. Finally it got to the point where I had to talk because the biggest problem was between Carly and myself. So I started talking and everytime I would say something she would interject  and defend herself. Each time she talked she was getting more and more mean. Finally I just broke and started crying again. She told me that if I was so afraid of her that I needed to stay in my room because she was going to be out in the common area. So finally the leaders stepped in and got her under control but by this time I was overwhelmed and I needed to get out. So I stormed out of group demanding to go home. One of the counselors came out and talked to me and I got myself together once again. I ended up going back into group where I said that I just needed some time and space to myself and that I would finish discussing this in the next group the following day. So we set up boundaries so that I felt safe that night, and I stayed mostly in my room.

     After thinking about it overnight the next day I apologized to Carly for the mean text messages I had sent to her, and explained that the reason I sent them to her was because I tried supporting her even after she threw the symptoms I had had at the beginning of treatment in my face, she had been rude to me, she had threatened me, and I had sat and talked to her for 1.5 hours about how I could relate to her because I too had had an addiction at one point; and her response to all of it was that she wasn't sorry and she was mad I had gotten rid of her food. I just lost it, and I realized that I didn't handle it in a positive manner. She accepted my apology and we went on our way. She still has yet to apologize to us, but she said she needed time. I will be interested to see how this goes.

  Besides all that drama things have been okay. I had the flu Tuesday and part of today, but overall I was pretty good. It was hard being sick, and being away from home though. It was even harder to be sick and eat. If that had happened and I had been home I know that I would have used that as an excuse to skip meals. I know that I am not cured yet; however, I am feeling so much better than when I first got here. My weight isn't really doing anything however, so they put me on a drink called peptomen (which in case you were wondering is AWFUL!!!) this drink is already broken down so all your body has to do is absorb it. They are concerned that I may be suffering from malabsorbtion which means that because I restricted for so long my body is no longer absorbing the calories. We'll see how this works.

    Julie and I started working on some heavy stuff today. I wasn't sure I was ready to go there yet, but I guess if I don't do it now I'll never do it. She wants me to write a sexual abuse timeline and I thought I would be okay with this assignment and run right through it. I guess when she prefaced me by saying how about we only work on it in the mornings that way we have all day to work through things if you start to be affected by it I should have taken the hint this was going to be hard. So I sat down tonight to do it; because I'm a perfectionist who thinks because I am assigned something should complete it right away...well that didn't work out too well. So when I sat down I realized that she actually wanted details.....I freaked. I was like there is no way I can give this lady details she will definitely judge me. Why wouldn't she judge me because I know that I am disgusted and judge myself why wouldn't she. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I emailed her and told her what I was feeling, and this is definitely something that the old Kendra would not have down. I just would not have done it and changed the subject to something else in order to not deal with it. But I WANT TO GET BETTER!!!!!! And as hard as it may be I have to get all this stuff out in order to heal. So I guess here goes nothing!

Day 13

    Well today has been an up and down day for me. I got to go out with Tiara and her family, we ended up going to the mall, and ED was definitely screaming the whole time. I don't understand how my body image has gotten so much worse since I came here. I thought that this place was supposed to help me get over that. It's so hard to get up each day and look in the mirror because I'm disgusted with what I see staring back at me. It instantly starts my day off bad. Then when you have people that make comments about you, it just makes everything so much worse.

     I am scared of how tomorrow is going to go because of the whole Carly situation. It has gotten to a point where I do not feel safe and secure here anymore. Last night was awful, I only slept like two hours and Katie even had to sleep in my bed with me. She said that I cried through the whole entire night. My nightmares were at an all time high. I just don't like feeling that at any moment some drug dealer will be bringing all his friends here and who knows what will happen. This whole situation has really brough up a lot of feelings and memories from my past and my anxiety has been really bad.

    Tonight I really came to understand how much I appreciate everyone that is praying for and supporting me through this recovery process. I have seen how others' family and friends have treated them through all of this, and I have to say I am one lucky girl to have everyone I do. Thank you everyone for being there for me.....I wouldn't be able to make it through this if it weren't for you. If there is anything that I am not talking about in this blog that you would like me to message me or call me and I will do my best to start. Love you all, and can't wait to be back home; Happy & HEALTHY!!! <3

Day 12

Well today was a lot of fun actually. I woke up later than what I wanted but I still made it to lunch on time....good thing for that, we can't possibly miss lunch around this place! just kidding.....But today we had an oppertunity to go to an art class, and I wasn't sure that I actually wanted to go but Tiara forced me too. I am glad I went though because we each got to paint a puzzle piece and after it was done it all fit together to make a picture of the bridge right outside our window. It was actually a lot of fun, and my two pieces didn't turn out that bad. Then we moved Katie into our room because she has been having problems with her room mate Carly (the sex addict).

   Since we're on the topic of her tonight it hit an all time low. She ended up sneeking out and meeting up with a guy that she met off craigslist. So we had to deal with all of that. Before she left though she blew up at all of us and made hurtful comments about each and everyone one of us using something personal we've disclosed in group. So of course this made everyone highly upset and everyone started yelling. After she returned back tonight God really kept telling me to go talk to her. "Why does it have to be me" I keep asking him. His answer was because I was the closest person who could understand what she was going through with having an addiction. So finally I went in and talked to her for an hour and a half. I don't know if she even heard anything I was saying but God used me to at least plant the seed....we'll see if it grows.

   Then once I came back to my room I realized that I had forgotten my night snack today. The old Kendra would have been happy because that meant I didn't have to eat it but instead I went to one of the girls in my suite and asked for something to supplement in for it. So I didn't miss any calories today. I have had no symptoms for a week now!!!! There are definetly still urges but we have been locking our bathroom all day until 8pm so that we won't be tempted to purge. It's been really hard to keep everything down but the girls are really supporitive and I keep taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow should be a fun day....OHHHH I forgot to tell you I GOT OFF MEDICAL RESTRICTION TODAY!!!!!! So today I got to drive down the street with Tiara and her friends that came to visit today and I know that it doesn't sound like much, but you sure do take for granted the simple things in life. Tomorrow Tiara's family is coming and they invited me to hang out with them, so I am really looking forward to that. Well I need to get to sleep. Nighty night!