Friday, February 15, 2013

365 Days Ago....


What a difference a year can make. A few days ago I reached the one year mark of when I entered into residential treatment. It was an emotional day 
for all involved to see how far I had come in such a short period of time. 
When I made the decision to check myself into treatment
I made the decision to say NO MORE! 
I would not stand for the ending of my story to be death at 21 years of age. 
 In a few days I will celebrate my 22nd birthday, a day that I thought I would never live to see. My eating disorder had me convinced that I would die of this disease because I deserved no better, but I am proud to say that I learned that I could rewrite the end of my story. It has been an long 365 days for me, but each day I have grown a little bit, and learned a little but more about myself. 

One thing that I have learned throughout this year long journey 
is that I have to trust in those that have stood by my side through it all, 
that is including God. I tried running from God my whole life,
 but he continued to pursue me through it all. Today I have given up the 
fight against Him, and accepted Him on my team. I can not begin to express all the ways my life has changed for the better, and I know that the main reason is because I have God on my side. I can not sit here and say that everyday is perfect or that I make the right decisions every time but I try, and that is more than I can say was happening a year ago. 

The biggest change I have made this year is learning to let go of my past, 
and start to love myself for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
 I have allowed my past to rule the present and destroy 
the opportunities that God has provided thus far for me; 
but that will no longer occur. I have begun to share my story with others in hopes that I can help one person understand that they are not alone, and that someone understands. Although it has not been an easy journey to get to this point I would not change a single moment of it. 

One thing my counselor from residential treatment gave me on my graduation day was this amazing quote that I remind myself on a daily basis of. Take it with you and apply it to your life. I challenge you to face your fears, and see how much your life will have change, 365 days from now. 

"He Who Has Overcome His Fears, Shall Truly Be Free." Aristotle   


Sunday, January 20, 2013

I AM worth it!

Today I really had to ask myself why choose recovery? I look back at 
where I have been and wonder is all the hard work, pain, 
sweat, and tears all worth it? Yes, yes it is worth it!

Satan has really been attacking me the last few weeks, and I'm beginning
to get really beat down from it all. I really struggle with asking others
for help, even when I know I need to. 

I see the red flags coming back out here and there, and it scares me.
I don't want to ruin, and let go of all the hard work I've put into
this process. I lost track of why I chose recovery.

And that is because I AM worth it! I am worth all the hard work I have
put into this. I AM worth the house, and dollars I have sacrificed
for treatment. And I AM worth recovery!

I am taking back my recovery from Satan, he will no longer be the driver
of this process because he only knows how to drive it into 
the ground, and I will NOT allow that to happen, again.

I will lean on Jesus in order to give me the strength to make it through,
And I will allow others to help me get through the hard days.
And most importantly I will do it for me!

This song has been one that I have been clinging to the last few days.
It helps me make it through the rough moments, and it reminds
me to lean on God, and not ED-and that's what I will do. <3


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Learning To Let Go.....

        Man it has been quite some time since I've written on here; but I felt like it was time for me to start back on journaling my recovery journey. A lot has happened since I've last written and it would take me all night to go through it all-lets just say God opened some unexpected doors, and closed others. I've learned that EVERYTHING happens in God's timing.

            "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven-for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves litte." Luke 7:47

               Tonight I found this verse and it really gave me the hope and strength I needed. I am really working on learning to let go, not only let go; but more importantly Let God! Althought it is not always easy I am learning that I am not in control of the things around me, and the more that I try and control them the worse off things become. This is a HUGE step for me because my whole life I have tried to gain control over everything; grades, friends, family, weight, ect. only to find that I am the one who gets hurt in the end. I become disappointed, defeated, and destructive. I then feel the need to punish myself because I feel worthless and hopeless, and so begins the vicious cycle again and again. The hardest part in all of this is learning to let my past go.

               Each day I am reminded that my past does not make me who I am today. I have been forgiven and my past has been washed away. It sounds all well and good; but, accepting this is another story. I have held on to so much guilt and shame over the years, and it is hard for me to look past that. I feel like
the guilt and shame is who Kendra is. I am learning slowly, but surely, that I am not guilt and shame; but rather grace and mercy. I may have made mistakes, but who hasn't? I may have made poor choices, but who hasn't? What it really comes down to is the choices I am making each and everyday day. We are not garenteed another day here on Earth, so why stress over what's already been done, and lose the moments that we do have.
God please give me the strength to make it through another day clean, sober, and symptom free. Remind me when I am struggling that my past HAS been washed away and you have made me a new creation. Guide my each and every movement, and allow me to show others, you by my actions and words. I pray that I am Christ like. Thank you for allowing me to learn the lesson of letting go. Thank you for all the blessing that you give me each and everyday. And thank you for loving me who I am now, and who I was then.