Man it has been quite some time since I've written on here; but I felt like it was time for me to start back on journaling my recovery journey. A lot has happened since I've last written and it would take me all night to go through it all-lets just say God opened some unexpected doors, and closed others. I've learned that EVERYTHING happens in God's timing.
"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven-for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves litte." Luke 7:47
Tonight I found this verse and it really gave me the hope and strength I needed. I am really working on learning to let go, not only let go; but more importantly Let God! Althought it is not always easy I am learning that I am not in control of the things around me, and the more that I try and control them the worse off things become. This is a HUGE step for me because my whole life I have tried to gain control over everything; grades, friends, family, weight, ect. only to find that I am the one who gets hurt in the end. I become disappointed, defeated, and destructive. I then feel the need to punish myself because I feel worthless and hopeless, and so begins the vicious cycle again and again. The hardest part in all of this is learning to let my past go.
Each day I am reminded that my past does not make me who I am today. I have been forgiven and my past has been washed away. It sounds all well and good; but, accepting this is another story. I have held on to so much guilt and shame over the years, and it is hard for me to look past that. I feel like
the guilt and shame is who Kendra is. I am learning slowly, but surely, that I am not guilt and shame; but rather grace and mercy. I may have made mistakes, but who hasn't? I may have made poor choices, but who hasn't? What it really comes down to is the choices I am making each and everyday day. We are not garenteed another day here on Earth, so why stress over what's already been done, and lose the moments that we do have.
God please give me the strength to make it through another day clean, sober, and symptom free. Remind me when I am struggling that my past HAS been washed away and you have made me a new creation. Guide my each and every movement, and allow me to show others, you by my actions and words. I pray that I am Christ like. Thank you for allowing me to learn the lesson of letting go. Thank you for all the blessing that you give me each and everyday. And thank you for loving me who I am now, and who I was then.