Friday, March 9, 2012

Sorry It's Been So Long!!!!

    Sorry it's been so long you guys. I have had a rough couple of weeks but I am still pushing along. I had a little break down ealier this week because I feel so much pressure from everyone; but mostly from myself I guess. I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself but it has really been bogging me down. I am always so hard on myself and always trying to please everyone around me, but I am no longer going to allow this for myself! I know that the road ahead of me is going to be rough, but I know that God is beside me and this is exactly the path he has made for me.

     Today I really sought God out for strength to keep pushing forward. I am so scared of what this road of full, actually, recovery looks like. I am scared to let Julie {my therapist} in, she says that she isn't going to walk away like others have, but why wouldn't she walk away? So many others who were supposed to be close walked away, what will make her different. I worry though if I don't let her in, will I ever get better? I don't think I will, and I can not live like this anymore. So, I guess that leaves me no choice I have to trust that God brought me here, with Julie for a specific reason. All things work together for those who trust in the Lord {Romans 8:28} and I believe that is is no different! I have to trust that Julie will help me through this, and I have to let her in, in order to allow her help. Please pray for me in order to open myself up fully to Julie, into all the areas, into all the dark secrets of my life, and to not feel ashamed or embarrassed about the things that I have gone through. Please pray that I can learn to except that the things I have undergone are not my fault, and that I do not need to punish myself any longer. Thanks <3

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Days 17, 18, 19, & 20...

Wow I really suck about blogging everyday. It's been hard this week because I've been battling the flu off and on. Today I have been feeling much better than yesterday. Although today was rough for me because yesterday with being sick I was throwing up a lot and I missed 1500+ calories, so today it was hard for me to get back on track but I did it. They increased my calories Thursday and I've really been having a rough time getting it together. Apparently my weight hasn't been doing much and they are saying it's still from the malobsorbtion. I guess we'll see how this week goes. I am really excited because I am getting to go home this weekend. I miss seeing everyone so much...I really can't wait! Well I know this is short, but I need to get to sleep. I promise to have a longer blog tomorrow and let you guys in on what I've been working on. Love ya <3

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Days 14, 15 & 16....

Sorry it's taken me so long to write. Well I spent my 21st Birthday in treatment, I can honestly say it's never the place I imagined I would spend it. I really struggled with the idea of being here, and all that I was missing back home; but then I realized that in order to celebrate more birthdays in the future I had to get better first so I could actually enjoy them. I had a lot of emotions going on that day as well. The fact that Mindi wasn't there was really hard for me; however, her mom texted me at 12:01 and said "Mindi told me to tell you Happy Birthday and that she's proud of you." I lost it. I miss her so much but the fact that her mom told me this reassured me that she is up in Heaven looking down on me. Also Monday was pretty emotional for me because of the issue with Carly. After everything that had happened over the weekend we had to process in group everything. First group I started feeling angry when Carly kept defending her actions and I got to the point where I was so angry that I literally thought my blood was boiling. All I could see myself doing was punching her in the face. I ended up popping up out of my chair unsure if I was going to punch her in the mouth when all of a sudden I was pushed towards the door. (This was definitely God!) So I walked out of group crying, and Julie, my therapist followed after me. We went into her office and talked for a few minutes about what I was feeling, and then I composed myself and went back to group.

    Then we went to lunch. After lunch we had second group where we needed to finish discussing the issues from the weekend. I just sat back quiet and let everyone else talk because I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth. Finally it got to the point where I had to talk because the biggest problem was between Carly and myself. So I started talking and everytime I would say something she would interject  and defend herself. Each time she talked she was getting more and more mean. Finally I just broke and started crying again. She told me that if I was so afraid of her that I needed to stay in my room because she was going to be out in the common area. So finally the leaders stepped in and got her under control but by this time I was overwhelmed and I needed to get out. So I stormed out of group demanding to go home. One of the counselors came out and talked to me and I got myself together once again. I ended up going back into group where I said that I just needed some time and space to myself and that I would finish discussing this in the next group the following day. So we set up boundaries so that I felt safe that night, and I stayed mostly in my room.

     After thinking about it overnight the next day I apologized to Carly for the mean text messages I had sent to her, and explained that the reason I sent them to her was because I tried supporting her even after she threw the symptoms I had had at the beginning of treatment in my face, she had been rude to me, she had threatened me, and I had sat and talked to her for 1.5 hours about how I could relate to her because I too had had an addiction at one point; and her response to all of it was that she wasn't sorry and she was mad I had gotten rid of her food. I just lost it, and I realized that I didn't handle it in a positive manner. She accepted my apology and we went on our way. She still has yet to apologize to us, but she said she needed time. I will be interested to see how this goes.

  Besides all that drama things have been okay. I had the flu Tuesday and part of today, but overall I was pretty good. It was hard being sick, and being away from home though. It was even harder to be sick and eat. If that had happened and I had been home I know that I would have used that as an excuse to skip meals. I know that I am not cured yet; however, I am feeling so much better than when I first got here. My weight isn't really doing anything however, so they put me on a drink called peptomen (which in case you were wondering is AWFUL!!!) this drink is already broken down so all your body has to do is absorb it. They are concerned that I may be suffering from malabsorbtion which means that because I restricted for so long my body is no longer absorbing the calories. We'll see how this works.

    Julie and I started working on some heavy stuff today. I wasn't sure I was ready to go there yet, but I guess if I don't do it now I'll never do it. She wants me to write a sexual abuse timeline and I thought I would be okay with this assignment and run right through it. I guess when she prefaced me by saying how about we only work on it in the mornings that way we have all day to work through things if you start to be affected by it I should have taken the hint this was going to be hard. So I sat down tonight to do it; because I'm a perfectionist who thinks because I am assigned something should complete it right away...well that didn't work out too well. So when I sat down I realized that she actually wanted details.....I freaked. I was like there is no way I can give this lady details she will definitely judge me. Why wouldn't she judge me because I know that I am disgusted and judge myself why wouldn't she. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I emailed her and told her what I was feeling, and this is definitely something that the old Kendra would not have down. I just would not have done it and changed the subject to something else in order to not deal with it. But I WANT TO GET BETTER!!!!!! And as hard as it may be I have to get all this stuff out in order to heal. So I guess here goes nothing!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Day 13

    Well today has been an up and down day for me. I got to go out with Tiara and her family, we ended up going to the mall, and ED was definitely screaming the whole time. I don't understand how my body image has gotten so much worse since I came here. I thought that this place was supposed to help me get over that. It's so hard to get up each day and look in the mirror because I'm disgusted with what I see staring back at me. It instantly starts my day off bad. Then when you have people that make comments about you, it just makes everything so much worse.

     I am scared of how tomorrow is going to go because of the whole Carly situation. It has gotten to a point where I do not feel safe and secure here anymore. Last night was awful, I only slept like two hours and Katie even had to sleep in my bed with me. She said that I cried through the whole entire night. My nightmares were at an all time high. I just don't like feeling that at any moment some drug dealer will be bringing all his friends here and who knows what will happen. This whole situation has really brough up a lot of feelings and memories from my past and my anxiety has been really bad.

    Tonight I really came to understand how much I appreciate everyone that is praying for and supporting me through this recovery process. I have seen how others' family and friends have treated them through all of this, and I have to say I am one lucky girl to have everyone I do. Thank you everyone for being there for me.....I wouldn't be able to make it through this if it weren't for you. If there is anything that I am not talking about in this blog that you would like me to message me or call me and I will do my best to start. Love you all, and can't wait to be back home; Happy & HEALTHY!!! <3

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Day 12

Well today was a lot of fun actually. I woke up later than what I wanted but I still made it to lunch on time....good thing for that, we can't possibly miss lunch around this place! just kidding.....But today we had an oppertunity to go to an art class, and I wasn't sure that I actually wanted to go but Tiara forced me too. I am glad I went though because we each got to paint a puzzle piece and after it was done it all fit together to make a picture of the bridge right outside our window. It was actually a lot of fun, and my two pieces didn't turn out that bad. Then we moved Katie into our room because she has been having problems with her room mate Carly (the sex addict).

   Since we're on the topic of her tonight it hit an all time low. She ended up sneeking out and meeting up with a guy that she met off craigslist. So we had to deal with all of that. Before she left though she blew up at all of us and made hurtful comments about each and everyone one of us using something personal we've disclosed in group. So of course this made everyone highly upset and everyone started yelling. After she returned back tonight God really kept telling me to go talk to her. "Why does it have to be me" I keep asking him. His answer was because I was the closest person who could understand what she was going through with having an addiction. So finally I went in and talked to her for an hour and a half. I don't know if she even heard anything I was saying but God used me to at least plant the seed....we'll see if it grows.

   Then once I came back to my room I realized that I had forgotten my night snack today. The old Kendra would have been happy because that meant I didn't have to eat it but instead I went to one of the girls in my suite and asked for something to supplement in for it. So I didn't miss any calories today. I have had no symptoms for a week now!!!! There are definetly still urges but we have been locking our bathroom all day until 8pm so that we won't be tempted to purge. It's been really hard to keep everything down but the girls are really supporitive and I keep taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow should be a fun day....OHHHH I forgot to tell you I GOT OFF MEDICAL RESTRICTION TODAY!!!!!! So today I got to drive down the street with Tiara and her friends that came to visit today and I know that it doesn't sound like much, but you sure do take for granted the simple things in life. Tomorrow Tiara's family is coming and they invited me to hang out with them, so I am really looking forward to that. Well I need to get to sleep. Nighty night!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Day 11-Here Comes The Weekend....

  Well this is the second weekend I'm here and seeing as how last weekend was not the most successful, I'm trying my hardest to make this one different. I am really starting to get used to being here, although I still really miss everyone back home :-) I am really hoping that I will be off restrictions Monday, as long as my vitals stay normal throughout the weekend. I need to just ride in a car, you don't realize how much you take advantage of

  Today started off pretty rough for me though. Ed was screaming pretty loud this morning and I ended up changing my clothes seven times....I would have kept changing it but I ran out of time. Meals were better today, still struggled a little, but overall I feel like I'm coming around. First group today was check in's; talking about who the week went, and planning our weekend activities. I ended meeting all of my food goals this week, and other than skipping part of my night snack one night, didn't have any symptoms. I even started cutting back on smoking!!! I will beat that habbit too while I'm here too!! Second group today was the media and culture group and we found advertisments out of magazines and identified the product, message, and counter message in each one. It was a huge eye opener for me because we don't realize the affects that advertisments have and what the hidden messages are. It was a really good group.

   Once we came upstairs tonight we had a really rough night. One of the girls in our suite has a sex addiction and she was really wanting to give in to the urges tonight. We tried helping her, and she ended up flipping out. It was a really bad night for all of us. She really triggered a lot of us, and we are definetely going to have to address it Monday. I know that I have to be assertive with her because I am not about to risk my recovery on her at all. So I am a little nervous for Monday to come.

   Monday is also going to be a hard day for me seeing as how it is my Birthday. I opened up during group today that my birthday is a constant reminder that Mindi isn't here anymore. She was always the one that called me at 11:55 just so she could talk to me for 5 minutes in order to be the first one to tell me Happy Birthday. I'll never forget the birthday that she moved my car in a different location while I was getting ready for the basketball game and filled my car with full of balloons. It was little moments like that, that I really miss. I would give all of my birthday wishes for the rest of my life to have those back. Well I need to get off to bed tomorrow will be here quick. Nighty Night <3

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Day Nine & Ten

   Sorry I didn't write last night I had a really rough day and wasn't feeling it. It really started hitting me how many calories I was taking in and I didn't want to do it anymore. I also talked to my counselor Julie yesterday and when she was talking she really reminded me of my mom. I decided I didn't like her and I wanted a different counselor. Yesterday was the first day that I got to do yoga and I got really dizzy and had to stop because I was afraid of passing out. I also got to start meal planning yesterday which is a really big deal.

   Well today was a much better day to say the least. I woke up feeling kind of low. I missed calories last night because I didn't drink coffee, but I told them at weigh in and they told me to just try better tonight. In todays first group I had to share the time-line of my life, and I was really really nervous because I knew that it meant truly opening  up to the group. I was scared of what they would say, and how they would treat me after they learned about who I "really" was. I ended disclosing to them a lot, not everything but it was a really really good first start. I was actually proud of myself. I feel like I am really starting to make some HUGE progress. Then Julie and I had a one on one session and I told her about the way that she made me feel yesterday. She also appologized for making me feel like I couldn't be truthful with her with fear of needing a higher level of care. She said that it's normal to have bad days, and to even have symptoms and that it will not mean I can't stay here. I just have to be honest if I struggle, and that made me feel a lot better.

    Today was the first day that I got to meal plan and it was actually harder than I thought. Even though I got to pick everything I ate today I actually chose challenging foods and they were hard for me to get down. I guess that's a good thing because I learned that I COULD  keep them down, and that was a huge realization for me. I did however get put on medicsal restrictions because my palse rate increased 25 beats per minute when I stood up. They said that this should be fixed here in the next couple of days, so now I have to drink and 8 oz glass of gatoraide. Hopefully this fixes the problem. Well I need to get to bed, tomorrow will be here before I know it. Miss you guys so much <3

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Day Eight...and Going STRONG!!!

   Today was a really good day for me. I am still losing weight so they increased my calories again. I was kind of upset about it because I thought since I had symptoms this weekend they would give me a couple of days to get my weight back up; but I guess not. I guess I am okay with the increase because it's one day closer to getting out of here. I know that weight gain is an essential part of this recovery process as hard as this concept is for me, or maybe it's ED to accept. ED is really screaming loud at me these last couple of days since I gave into symptoms. I know that the longer I seperate myself from the screams of ED the stronger I will become in my recovery.

    Today our second group was on guilt and shame, hmmm my two favorite topics NOT! So I was very nervous. We were asked to make a list of things that we felt guilt or shameful for, or something that we kept as a secret. I made my list and the anxiety started increasing, then we were told that we had to share with the group what we wrote down. Then my counselor came and got me for session and I didn't have to talk to the group. I was relieved in moment but now I feel like if I just would have been able to open up to the group my progress would have increased quickly! Thursday I have to share my timeline of my life, so maybe then I will be able to get the courage to open up fully about EVERYTHING! Please pray for my courage to increase, so that I really can get better. I had a really good individual session with Julie though. We talked a lot about Dale and what that relationship looked like. I've been able to open up to her a lot; but I haven't been able to tell her everything. One day though I will get up the nerve to tell her.  Well I need to get started on my timeline....ttyl <3

Monday, February 13, 2012

Day 7

Today was a really insight full day for me. I was really struggling yesterday with not wanting to stay but today I have decided I NEED this place. We had first group today which was just check in and that went okay, then second group was pretty interesting! I had a converstation pretending my mom was in the chair across from me. It was VERY powerful. I didn't say much to her because it was pretty overwhelming for me; but what I did say was pretty amazing. It really made me feel a lot better inside. It was the first step toward healing in that area.

Also one of my friends here got me a zebra stuffed animal today for my hardwork, determination, and progress thus far. I want to give you all my address so you write me or send package, but no food or drink of any kind.....Kendra Beachy
                                  5465 Main St.
                               Sylvania, OH 43560

Well it's time for our nightly TV to ya later! <3

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Day 6....Not A Very Good Day :-(

    Today was a very rough day for me. It started off pretty well, just relaxing with Tiara and watching TV. I haven't been feeling that well lately, and I was really struggling with food today. Snack today consisted of oreos milk, and fruit gushers. I knew I was in trouble for sure. So I ate it really fast then came upstairs and started crying. I had to get the food out of me, I just couldn't take it anymore. I came upstairs and was alone, and I ended up purging. Afterwards I had a complete breakdown and decided I wanted to go home. My roommates came back and talked me into just waiting until the morning before I decided if I wanted to leave. Then I ate dinner and it started all over again. I went to take a shower thinking that would make me better, but it didn't I ended up purging again.

    I feel like such a failure! I want to get better I really do, but this is just so hard. I just want to be better!!! I want to be ED free. I want these chains of bondage to break off of me! Why can't it all just go away? Am I really strong enough to fight this disease? I don't know anymore....<3

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Day 5

     Well last night was interesting because I had another seizure and this time the squad was called and I had to go back to ER. I guess they said it is called psudoseizures which just means seziures brought on from stress. It was very scary being there all alone, but I made it and am feeling a little bit better....still not 100% but getting there.

    As for treatment it is going pretty good I think. I am eating and I'm not a total mess evertime food is placed in front of me. I am trying my hardest to get better, and get home. I am so glad that I went to treatment though because honsetly I am starting to feel better already. I know it's still early on but I am feeling better as each day passes. Well I need to get off of here and do some devotions. Love <3

Friday, February 10, 2012

Day Four!!

     Well today was a very exceiting day. It started last night around eleven pm when I started getting this sharp shooting pain in my chest and down my arm. I wait for a little bit, then it started all over again. I began to feel super sick and started getting really dizzy. I ran to the bathroom and got sick. Then I realized I couldn't see staright, and Karen helped me lay on the groud while she called for help.

    I went to the ER where I started having seziures. They ended up keeping me over night, givine me lots of fluid and trying to keep the seziures undercontrol. They are not sure what is causing the sezuires they are thinking that it has to do with the wellbutrin I have been talking. So they stop giving me them, and we're going to see if that helps. Well I am sorry this is so short but I am actuallly staring to feel like I'm going to get sick. Nighy night...promise a longer post tomorrow.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Day Three...

   Well today was pretty uneventful except for dinner. There was nothing major that happened today, well I guess I did open up about my past to the group so that is pretty huge for me; especially since it's only day three. I also asked to begin getting an evening snack and we uped my calories again! I was doing fine with everything until dinner then it hit me. I had to eat chicken parmesan which is something that I purged on several times before so it was really really hard to get it down. After struggling to get it down I was able to keep it down by using distractions and reaching out for help. I am so proud of myself right now for being able to make it three days with eating 100% on meal plan and keeping it down. 

    Tonight I really struggled with wanting to excersise. I have been able to use distraction and keeping myself busy. I also came to some realizations today that 1) I haven't wanted to open up to others about the trauma from my past because I felt like others would judge me, and think it was my fault; because that's how I feel inside. I also realized that I had to let go of the people that were dragging me down even if it hurt to let them go. Well I need to get started on some work I have to get done. TTYL <3 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Day Two

    Well today is my second day here at the River Center, and it's been a pretty rough day for me. It started off well because I asked for my calories to be increased to and to change my supplement into actual food. I was fine with the change until dinner and I really started to get full. I was afraid that I was going to throw up, but I managed to keep everything down. However, my mood went down hill really fast this evening.

   I came back to my room this evening and was really struggling. All I could think about was wanting to purge or excersise. I isolated myself from the other girls, but I didn't give into ED. I talked to Kathy for some time and that really seemed to help me feel better. After our talk I was able to come back out to the group and talk about how I was feeling. I even got my place mat done! We each got to decorate our place mat with clippings from magazines, of positive and uplifting messages. It is the hope that those messages of encouragement will help us get through those tough meals. I really hope that tomorrow goes a little bit better for me, and that each day things will get a little bit easier. Well that's all for now. <3

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Day One!

“There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps forward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn't matter anymore.” ♥

       Today I checked myself into treatment to once and for all beat this eating disorder! I honestly feel like I just broke up with my best friend! It has been a pretty rough day for me. Last night I only slept about 45 minutes. Then Kathy and I made the three hour drive up to Toledo. I was okay until I realized that I had to say goodbye to Kathy. It was a bitter sweet moment, but I know that I made the best decision for myself and my wellbeing.

       I met my counselor and she seems really nice, I hope and pray that I can open up to her about everything. I know that in order for me to finally get better I must let the past come out, and tell people what really happened. Then I had to eat! It was really hard and I cried through lunch. Snack was awful, I had to eat yogurt and granola; which wouldn't be that bad but the texture was AWFUL! I was gaging trying to get it down, but I managed and I kept it down! Dinner wasn't that bad for me, and I made it through without even crying. {Go ME}

       The girls here are really supportive, and it's really nice to finally have someone to talk to that understands me. My biggest worry about treatment was my roommate but God provided! I am really excited to see how our relationship grows. She seems like a really nice girl, and we have a lot of things in common. I guess God knew what he was doing; who would have guessed? Well I need to go and get some homework done, talk to you later.