Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Days 14, 15 & 16....

Sorry it's taken me so long to write. Well I spent my 21st Birthday in treatment, I can honestly say it's never the place I imagined I would spend it. I really struggled with the idea of being here, and all that I was missing back home; but then I realized that in order to celebrate more birthdays in the future I had to get better first so I could actually enjoy them. I had a lot of emotions going on that day as well. The fact that Mindi wasn't there was really hard for me; however, her mom texted me at 12:01 and said "Mindi told me to tell you Happy Birthday and that she's proud of you." I lost it. I miss her so much but the fact that her mom told me this reassured me that she is up in Heaven looking down on me. Also Monday was pretty emotional for me because of the issue with Carly. After everything that had happened over the weekend we had to process in group everything. First group I started feeling angry when Carly kept defending her actions and I got to the point where I was so angry that I literally thought my blood was boiling. All I could see myself doing was punching her in the face. I ended up popping up out of my chair unsure if I was going to punch her in the mouth when all of a sudden I was pushed towards the door. (This was definitely God!) So I walked out of group crying, and Julie, my therapist followed after me. We went into her office and talked for a few minutes about what I was feeling, and then I composed myself and went back to group.

    Then we went to lunch. After lunch we had second group where we needed to finish discussing the issues from the weekend. I just sat back quiet and let everyone else talk because I was afraid of what would come out of my mouth. Finally it got to the point where I had to talk because the biggest problem was between Carly and myself. So I started talking and everytime I would say something she would interject  and defend herself. Each time she talked she was getting more and more mean. Finally I just broke and started crying again. She told me that if I was so afraid of her that I needed to stay in my room because she was going to be out in the common area. So finally the leaders stepped in and got her under control but by this time I was overwhelmed and I needed to get out. So I stormed out of group demanding to go home. One of the counselors came out and talked to me and I got myself together once again. I ended up going back into group where I said that I just needed some time and space to myself and that I would finish discussing this in the next group the following day. So we set up boundaries so that I felt safe that night, and I stayed mostly in my room.

     After thinking about it overnight the next day I apologized to Carly for the mean text messages I had sent to her, and explained that the reason I sent them to her was because I tried supporting her even after she threw the symptoms I had had at the beginning of treatment in my face, she had been rude to me, she had threatened me, and I had sat and talked to her for 1.5 hours about how I could relate to her because I too had had an addiction at one point; and her response to all of it was that she wasn't sorry and she was mad I had gotten rid of her food. I just lost it, and I realized that I didn't handle it in a positive manner. She accepted my apology and we went on our way. She still has yet to apologize to us, but she said she needed time. I will be interested to see how this goes.

  Besides all that drama things have been okay. I had the flu Tuesday and part of today, but overall I was pretty good. It was hard being sick, and being away from home though. It was even harder to be sick and eat. If that had happened and I had been home I know that I would have used that as an excuse to skip meals. I know that I am not cured yet; however, I am feeling so much better than when I first got here. My weight isn't really doing anything however, so they put me on a drink called peptomen (which in case you were wondering is AWFUL!!!) this drink is already broken down so all your body has to do is absorb it. They are concerned that I may be suffering from malabsorbtion which means that because I restricted for so long my body is no longer absorbing the calories. We'll see how this works.

    Julie and I started working on some heavy stuff today. I wasn't sure I was ready to go there yet, but I guess if I don't do it now I'll never do it. She wants me to write a sexual abuse timeline and I thought I would be okay with this assignment and run right through it. I guess when she prefaced me by saying how about we only work on it in the mornings that way we have all day to work through things if you start to be affected by it I should have taken the hint this was going to be hard. So I sat down tonight to do it; because I'm a perfectionist who thinks because I am assigned something should complete it right away...well that didn't work out too well. So when I sat down I realized that she actually wanted details.....I freaked. I was like there is no way I can give this lady details she will definitely judge me. Why wouldn't she judge me because I know that I am disgusted and judge myself why wouldn't she. I don't know how I am going to do this, but I emailed her and told her what I was feeling, and this is definitely something that the old Kendra would not have down. I just would not have done it and changed the subject to something else in order to not deal with it. But I WANT TO GET BETTER!!!!!! And as hard as it may be I have to get all this stuff out in order to heal. So I guess here goes nothing!

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